2014-04-03 17.22.35Yesterday we got back our sack of freshly ground wheat, which I had cleaned the day before for the mill. It was lovely and fine and the miller was impressed with how clean it was. (I’ll write that process up in another blog). I should have felt overjoyed, after all Omar grew the wheat, harvested it by hand, and brought back more bags than all of his neighbours. But I felt completely flat! I had no sense of achievement, or pleasure in eating something baked by flour we had grown and processed ourselves.

Back in England, after spending a full day in the garden growing veges, with my friend Chris, I would go to bed at night feeling absolutely and completely satisfied. The feeling came from the knowledge that we were taking care of some of our nutritional needs, rather than depending on the supermarkets. Growing food gives me a feeling which no other activity on earth gives me. It is completely satisfying and nourishing to my soul. DSC_1674The fact that the work in the garden went hand in hand with the knowledge that we were creating an energy-space made a huge difference too. Every plant had its purpose, and was important to the over-all energy.

Here, I never get that feeling. The men grow things, not the women. The men will grow stuff for the women, but they can choose to remove it if they want to grow something else, and the women have no choice about it.

But that is only half of the problem. I spent all night, and most of this morning, thinking about why I feel so dead inside, when we have produced our own food. Some of it is because I personally have not grown it, and have no real part in it, except for financial, and doing the energywork in the field. I have not had the pleasure of planting the seed and nurturing it to maturity, then of the harvest.

The biggest part of it though, I realised, the part that is really important, is that it is not safe to enjoy, or take pride, in anything here. My time here has shown me, that to achieve anything good means to incur the jealousy and envy of everyone. People here are afraid to be proud of themselves, to pat themselves on the back, or to enjoy anything, because they are constantly having to protect what they have created from other people’s bad eyes, or atrocious behaviour! People with money lie about it, and pretend to be poor, because to show you have money means there is someone who is willing to take it away from you, by force if necessary!

DSCN9566I noticed too, that once they started eating the ducks, which we had raised, that I cut off from them to an extent. I stopped enjoying their play in the water. I used to watch them for ages. Now I feed them and fill their bath but cannot afford to enjoy them, because I know that they won’t be with us for long.

This ‘emotional cutting off’ thing started when I was a young teenager growing up in an equally abusive environment in southern Spain in the 70’s. The Spanish people were so abusive to animals, and to each other, that as a young girl I found it impossible to understand it. I was abused too for those two years, so between the abusive boys, and the animals, my only protection was to cut off my emotionally. Every time I did open up and love an animal I lost it, which caused even more pain. The same thing applied to relationships!

Living here in Luxor is like re-living my childhood in Spain, only this time I try to change it and heal it. I knew that coming here would open up old wounds but it is difficult to heal those wounds when people are behaving the same way as they did in my youth! I still find the behaviour hard to manage emotionally, but I try to change it and fight in a way that I couldn’t when I was young. But I cannot change the beliefs of an entire society!

Life here could be so much better if people enjoyed each other’s successes instead of trying to destroy them!


7 responses to “Crazymakers.

  1. Yes, anger can be very motivating so long as you know that. Sometimes anger is born of powerlessness, which is the energy of this place. Everyone is powerless, even the men, and so they try to use what little power they have to feel something else. It just adds to the abuse unfortunately because they have not recognized healthy anger.
    Who was the angry author?

    • Terry Pratchet. Alan Moore is another angry artist.
      Yes, I definitely understand how anger is born of powerlessness! Though it’s still a really empowering emotion, I suppose learning to control it is the key. Using it to come together and consider the possibilities of uniting.

      • Oh Terry Pratchett! What was he angry about? Mind you, looking at his books it was probably authority!! I will look it up. Can you send me the link on FB?

  2. “Our creative dreams and yearning come from a divine source.
    As we move toward our dreams, we move toward our divinity.”

    Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way

    Moving away from the “Crazy makers” and toward our creativity and divinity is life’s big challenge


  3. In the past 3 weeks I’ve been receiving strong channeling about these issues. Reliving my past childhood traumas and revisiting these abuse issues has been tough in the city I grew up in, but I was told to focus on myself and to grow confident in myself.
    Just like you mentioned – to be confident is to become an open target for abuse and pain. People judge you and treat you according to their values and beliefs, and sometimes openly challenging them means death (or punishment by physical and mental abuse).
    I focused at a sea point near the west side and was given the following messages –
    ‘Power resides where men think it resides’ [I later checked and its also a famous quite from ‘A clash of swords’] …
    At first I really couldn’t understand it at all. What if I believe that I’m equal to someone who believes they are superior to me, challenge them and they hurt me? Don’t they have the power then?
    I was angry and dumbfounded. And then an
    old boyfriend linked to an article online about a famous author who is angry most of the time, and how his anger is chanelled into his very powerful, very successful and very admired writing. Anger is a very powerful emotion and like fire it’s a great servant but a terrible master. Men and Women who are slaves to their anger have no power over themselves or their environment. Men and Women who channel the charged energy of their anger into positive channels hold a balanced and protective view of the path forward. These people consider. And they are considerate of other people’s energies and emotions without denying them and without being denied because being considerate is the security that angry people lack. Their anger turns into fanaticism and their envy, jealousy and hatred become so valid to their minds that they become their core beliefs. And as slaves to the powerful emotions of anger, they believe themselves to be powerful. The abuse and destruction that they cause therefore becomes validated in their minds and as a reaction to the emotions intheir bodies.
    So how can we consider with people who are slaves to anger? people who are volatile, dangerous and vulnerable? We channel the anger into the things that us give the greatest emotional satisfaction. Consider when
    you are doing something that makes you happy why you allow anger to stop you from being happy. It is because you are allowing thebeliefs born of other peoples anger to become your core beliefs. You allow their validation, need for approval and beliefs to affect you – you acknowledge them, give their anger power and their beliefs become yours. Consider they can only try to make you believe you are powerless because they have never considered that they are not. Consider that yon have the power to leave, protect yourself and grow and that they do not. Focus your energy into the things that you love and put your love first. When anger then meets you to disenpower you treat it like a fire; consider that it needs air to breathe. Don’t give it air. State that you know the truth, stick to the boundaries you set. “Suck the energy” out of the fire and channel it back into the earth. Give it as forceful benevolence into the art that you make and the things that you nurture.

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